impact of marital disharmony, książki
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THE IMPACT OF MARITAL DISHARMONY ON
CHILDREN
Through the Eyes of a Frightened Child
Mishpacha Magazine
, 08/29/07 p. 64
By: Rabbi Yakov Horowitz
[Introductory comment by Rabbi Yakov Horowitz:
Recently, I posted a
comment on my website inviting teens-at-risk to submit essays to my private email
address sharing their thought and perspectives on why we are losing so many of
our children. Shortly thereafter, I received a riveting email from a bachur vividly
describing his home life and the challenges that it posed to his emotional
development. Here are his actual comments, which I edited for publication.
Reading these lines reminded me of the words of our great rebbi, Rabbi Avrohom
Pam, who would often remark that the formula for success with one’s children is
50% tefila, prayer, and 50% shalom bayis, marital harmony.
]
Building a Life on Quicksand
By: An anonymous
bochur
The feelings of shame started when I was a little child. My parents didn’t express any joy
at being with each other. They criticized each other harshly, and they always found
something to criticize about me. My parents would argue in my presence in loud voices,
often yelling at each other in anger. Terrified of what might happen, I would withdraw to
stunned silence. When I was finally able to speak, I would plead with them to stop
fighting, but they were still trying to prove themselves right in my eyes – which seemed
to me like they were expecting me to solve their problems.
I would desperately want to cry during those times. However, the only people who could
console me, my parents, were frightening me to death. I would frantically try to get my
Mommy and Tatty back, because I needed them to reassure me that everything is all
right, to calm me down from my terror.
I began to live my entire life trying to make people think I was good, so that I will stop
feeling this shame, which was so painful to me. I became a perfect student who always
got high marks, and an ideal child who always behaved and did his chores. Over the
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years, I got lots of compliments for the good things I did but they went right past me
since they were all addressed to the ‘fake me.’ The ‘real me’ was my feelings of shame.
If only my parents had seen my pain then, when I was a little kid who needed soothing. If
only they would have realized that their bickering and fighting was making my life
miserable, and that destroying their beloved child's happiness was far too high a price to
pay for the feeling of having won an argument. Maybe then they would have stopped and
made peace with each other so they can together focus on their vulnerable little boy who
needed his Mommy and Tatty so much. Maybe then, they could have been at my side to
help me grow up happy and healthy. Maybe I would not have lived with such deep shame
and loneliness for so many years, thinking I had been forsaken by everyone, certain that
nobody cared about me.
I tell my mother that I had a tough time as a teenager; she is shocked and disappointed
that I never shared anything with her about my life. She deeply regrets not having been
able to give me support. My father tries so hard to make me happy, and he also cares
about me, but I never shared anything with him either. I am currently a ‘regular’ yeshiva
bachur of 19, so I did not get any support from people, as I might have if I had gone off
the derech.
Baruch Hashem, I have found people in my life who are giving me support and guidance.
I speak to therapists and to my sister whom I feel close to, and they tell me I am really a
good person, and that I should focus on all the good that I do. I wish I could do that, but
this is not something I can switch on at will. Now and then I feel hopeful that maybe I
will change, and that gives me the courage to continue. I am also beginning to see that
there are people who care about me, and that I am not all bad. I am starting to think that
maybe, just maybe, I deserve to be happy and to be cared for.
I am so lonely, and I wish I would get married already to someone who will be my friend.
But I keep thinking about my parents’ lives and their marriage, and I am petrified of
repeating the unstable environment in which I spent my painful childhood years. So I am
working on changing the way I feel, in order that I can prepare to start a healthy home of
my own.
Parents, please take a good look at your children. Somewhere there is a little boy or girl
who is wondering why his/her Mommy and Tatty sometimes just leave him/her alone
with his/her pain, as if he/she does not deserve to be held when he/she cries. If you do not
act now, then later nothing you do will make a difference, and you will have to helplessly
watch your teenager struggle with more pain than he can possibly carry on his young
shoulders. Just ask my parents how it feels to know you have been unable to help your
child with the struggles of growing up. Ask them how it feels to know that they were the
cause of my struggles. Please realize that when you are in conflict with your spouse, you
are taking away your kid's Mommy and Tatty. Realize it now, before it is too late.
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A Clinical Analysis of “Building A Life on Quicksand”
By: Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin
[Reprinted, with some minor editing, from Rabbi Yakov Horowitz’s Chinuch Column in
Mishpacha Magazine
, 09/24/07 p.144]
[
Introductory comment by Rabbi Yakov Horowitz
- My previous column focused on a
searing letter that I received from a 19-year-old bachur vividly describing his stressful
home life and the challenges that it posed to his emotional development.
In order for our readers to gain perspective on this letter through the eyes of a mental
health professional, I asked Dr. Benzion Sorotzkin, an outstanding clinical psychologist,
to share with our readers his analysis of the bachur’s letter – and its ramifications for all
parents. Here are his comments:
]
The
bachur
’s letter describing his struggle growing up in a home with no
sholom bayis
touched me deeply. While I have always known that the lack of parental
sholom bayis
deeply wounds their children, reading the heart-felt, eloquent words from the victim
himself really brought the message home.
Common sense would suggest that children who are exposed to parental conflict over a
prolonged period of time would get used to it. But many studies show that this is not the
case. The reason for this is because children’s exposure to parental conflict increases
their feelings of emotional insecurity, thus decreasing their capacity for regulating
emotions and behavior, leaving them more prone to feelings of fear, distress and anger.
In fact, there is overwhelming research and clinical evidence on the association between
chronic marital conflict and children’s adjustment difficulties. There are numerous
factors, such as the child’s temperament and the specific circumstances of each situation,
which will shape each child’s response to parental conflict. For example, the degree of
perceived threat
(the extent to which children believe that the conflict will escalate,
result in harm to oneself or family members, or threaten the family’s existence), and
self-
blame
(the degree to which children hold themselves personally responsible for parents’
quarrels) are all important factors in shaping children’s internal and external reactions to
parental conflict. Children who are pulled into their parent’s conflict are at risk for
becoming targets of parental hostility, which might heighten perception of threat.
Parents often exacerbate the negative impact of their conflicts on their children by
actually telling them that they are responsible for the parental conflict and by
undermining their children’s confidence in their own coping skills by constantly
criticizing them.
A serious obstacle to helping children deal with parents who lack
sholom bayis
is the
pervasive denial common by both parents and their children regarding the seriousness of
the marital conflict. Even when the therapist uncovers a picture of serious spousal
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conflict, including verbal and physical aggression (it is important to note that parents who
are abusive to their spouse are also likely to be abusive to their children), the parents will
confirm the details but will vigorously dispute the characterization suggested by the
therapist (i.e., a home with no
sholom bayis
). “No one has a perfect marriage!” they will
protest, as if a loveless and hostile marriage is equivalent to a good and loving, but
imperfect marriage. The denial becomes particularly strident if someone suggests that
the child’s difficulty may have something to do with the conflicted and hostile
environment he grew up in.
Ironically, the same parents who very readily blame their children’s negative behaviors
on the influence of “bad friends” or an inadequate teacher will bristle at the suggestion
that their children’s development is strongly influenced by the home environment they
grew up in!! No one protests when parents are complimented for their role in their
children’s successes but many will react with indignation if lack of success is also
attributed to home influences. Many in our community are very eager to attribute
teenagers’ deviant behaviors to the influence of outside influences, (e.g.,the Internet) –
but react with accusations of “parent bashing” if the suggestion is made that parental
conflict may play a decisive role.
Let us return to the
bachur’s
letter, where the theme of shame runs throughout his
comments. There is research and clinical evidence that when parents are unable or
unwilling to be attuned to their children’s emotional and developmental needs, they
create fertile grounds for the development of pervasive shameful feelings in their
children. This is especially true if children are a focus of parental conflict and certainly
when they are the targets of chronic criticism. The child develops the unconscious
feeling that his unmet developmental yearnings are manifestations of a loathsome defect
or an inherent inner badness.
The
bachur’s
reactions of emotional withdrawal and
trying
to stop his parents’ fighting are both typical reactions. He also well articulates the
horrible dilemma of children whose parents induce terrible fear in them but they can’t
turn to the very people
Hashem
designated to give them solace, comfort and reassurance.
The
bachur’s
reaction to the shame, i.e., trying to become perfect and the development of
a “false self,” and his fear of marriage are, sad to say, common and very understandable
reactions to his experiences growing up in a home lacking
sholom bayis.
I am glad to read that he has at least found people who are providing him with the support
that his parents never seemed to be able give him. One can only hope that all parents who
read his letter take his heartfelt plea seriously so as to avoid these preventable tragedies.
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Sources
-Cummings, E. M. & Davies, P. T. Effects of marital conflict on children: Recent advances and
emerging themes in process-oriented research.
Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry,
2002, Vol. 43 (1), pp. 31-63.
-Davies, P. T. & Cummings, E. M. Marital conflict and child adjustment: An emotional security
hypothesis.
Psychological Bulletin
, 1994, Vol. 116 (3), pp. 387-411.
-Gerard, J. M., Buehler, C., Franck, K., & Anderson, O. In the eyes of the beholder: Cognitive
appraisals as mediators of the association between interparental conflict youth maladjustment.
Journal of Family Psychology,
2005, Vol. 19 (3), pp. 376-384.
-Grych, J. H. & Fincham, F. D. Children’s appraisals of marital conflict: Initial investigations of
the cognitive-contextual framework.
Child Development
, 1993, Vol. 64 (1), pp. 215-230.
-Morrison, A. P. & Stolorow, R. D. Shame, narcissism, and intersubjectivity. In M. R. Lansky &
A. P. Morrison (Eds.),
The widening scope of shame
(pp. 63-87). 1997, Hillsdale, NJ: The
Analytic Press.
-Sorotzkin, B. Understanding and treating perfectionism in religious adolescents.
Psychotherapy,
1998,
Vol. 35, pp. 87-85. [An edited version is available at
www.DrSorotzkin.com
]
************************************************************************
{After these two articles were posted on Rabbi Yakov Horowirz’s website
(
www.RabbiHorowitz.com
)
the following comment was posted on 10/14/07:
I wrote the original article, and [Dr.] Sorotzkin seems to be reading my
thoughts; that is exactly how I was feeling
…..}
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